What is one skill or
strength you gained through your survival?
I’m
hyper
vigilant – always observing the scene and paying attention to
what’s left
unsaid/unseen. Sometimes it’s a tiring thing, but other times it’s a
good
skill to have.
What
assumptions do
you feel people make about childhood sexual abuse
People
assume that you
must hate the perpetrator and that the perpetrator was pure evil. Like
so much
in life, it can be more complicated than love/hate, good/evil.
Unfortunately, people
often fail to allow breathing room to the survivor.
If
you never reported your abuse to legal
authorities, what influenced this decision?
I’ve
always felt that it would be more damaging to myself and
family to involve the legal system, and that nothing would come of
it
anyway. Also, I don’t believe that
legally I could have done anything as so many years had passed
before I
was even willing to really work on shit myself.
What do
you wish more
people understood aboutsurvivors?
Survivors
of childhood
sexual abuse are not “damaged goods” who can never get past their
experiences
or who need pity. In my experience, sharing with people who are not
survivors
is really uncomfortable because they often start to pity and assume that
my
entire childhood was horrific or something. For me, there were also good
times
in my childhood to share.
Bilen, 30
abused as a child by adult
neighbor and older male cousins
What
are some strategies you used as a child to
cope with the violence you experienced? As an adult, what
strategies have you used to heal?
As
a child, I tried to tell myself that this is how
people express love and appreciation for me. On the days when that lie
did not
stick, I would just shut down and withdraw. I inhabited a pretty rich
inner
world where I was safe, loved and powerful. I spent a lot of time locked
in my
room, reading and dreaming up worlds where people did not hurt each
other. I
would spend hours writing about these beautiful worlds. As an adult, I
practice
yoga and have tried some talk therapy. I have built nurturing
relationships
with other survivors. It’s such a terrible thing but once I started
talking
about my experience, I was shocked to learn that I am not in the
minority. So
many women carry stories of abuse. I wonder about my attackers and how
they too
have been hurt and warped by this cruel world. In my effort to heal, I
have
searched for ways to situate my attackers as victims too. It helps me deal
with this
absolute rage and anger that has proven to be crippling. It also helps
me
understand how not to externalize my hurt and possibly perpetrate
violence.
If
you never reported your abuse to legal
authorities, what influenced this decision?
This decision was not really made. I guess by
default it ended up being the case. I did not have the proper language
or
support to even think about telling someone about the abuse. I carried a
tremendous amount of shame and guilt. I could not tell my parents
because I
feared their judgment. I could not tell anyone else for the same
reasons.
Who
was the first person you told about being a
survivor? What was his/her reaction?
I told my best
friend when we were 14 or so.
She had a similar story of incest and abuse. It broke my heart but also
gave me
some strength. It felt bittersweet to know I was not alone and that I was
not
judged or shunned. We cried. I remember feeling so angry and helpless.
She went
on to become a child psychologist. I am so proud of her and her
tireless
dedication to helping children.
Chantal, 40
abused as a child by step-father
Who was the first person you told about being a survivor?The guidance counselor at my high school, Mr. Gallant,
recognized some signs of abuse and questioned me. I snapped like a twig
and could not stop crying. He saved my life by having my step dad
arrested and
getting me out of that situation.
What is one skill or strength you gained through your
survival?I feel like due to my childhood experiences that there
are not many things that really get to me as an adult. I learned to be
resilient. I know that no matter how tough it may get NOTHING could be
that bad in comparison.
What assumptions do you feel people make about childhood
sexual abuse?Many people in the community did not believe my
step-dad could possibly have done what he was accused and eventually
convicted
of. People thought that because he had a prominent job and was such an
upstanding member of his church that he could not possibly be a
pedophile. People tend to think of these kinds of crimes being
committed
by uneducated people. Many people are surprised if I disclose to them
that I have PTSD and why. I think people tend to assume that survivors
are fragile with no self esteem.
Juhi, 56
I grew up in many countries. Born in Delhi, India. Travelled to Damascus, Syria
as a toddler, to the USA
as a teenager. To Dubai,
UAE as a young adult. Have been in the US for 32 years.
What was your experience
of childhood sexual abuse?
Only two and one half years ago I started
to have tactile
memories of my childhood abuse. I knew
I was missing a big chunk of my
childhood, almost 8 years, but did not pursue it. I knew of fondling by
an uncle at 16 was the only clue I had. Since my first discoveries in
'08 I have been in traditional therapy and have looked at alternate
therapies to get to these repressed memories.
What are some strategies you used as a child to cope with the
violence you experienced? As an adult, what strategies have you used to
heal?
Everything was
repressed, and two years
ago I discovered some form of dissociative disorder for which I have
begun to look for specialized therapy. Becoming dissociative became my way of surviving from under the age of two. I
have had "alters" appear in public this past month in front of my estranged
husband, my daughter, and several friends. I am beginning to recover memories of
abuse, which are quite distressing.
What is one skill or strength you gained through your survival?
I developed an
uncanny
ability to accept everything "as it is", which allowed me to be very
nurturing to my children's sexual identities, and now to a much larger
LGBT community.
Dreamer, 42
abused as a child by step-father
My
widowed mother
remarried when I was six. The man she married was a predator. He began
using me
for sexual gratification almost immediately...this continued until I was
twelve.
After
I escaped, I
entered an adolescence of tremendous pain. A great deal of it was almost
certainly due to feeling abandoned by my mother. I was self-destructive
through
active attempts at suicide and passive neglect of myself, ignoring the
needs of
my body.
I lost myself in
study. I also lost myself in marijuana. I continued
to neglect my body. I just wanted to lose myself and fade away. At
twenty,
something happened. I had had enough. I knew I couldn't continue this
way and I
couldn't kill myself either. My position was completely untenable. I
dropped
out of college, packed myself up, chose a destination more or less at
random
and drove half-way across the country to Oregon.
On the drive, I
used my fantasy
world. I created the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be
self-confident. I
wanted to be pain-free. I wanted to be unencumbered by the past. I
wanted to be
capable and competent and free to choose any path I wanted to. I wanted
to
change the world. I wanted to be powerful. I wanted to live in a
different
world as a different person. When I arrived, I pretended to be the
person I had
invented. I lived that person's life. I did it for years, feeling like
an
actor. I finished college. I went to grad school. I made my invented
person
real. It helped that my studies in philosophy and science taught me that
what
we regard as reality is a very subjective thing. We really do create our
own
reality.
It's still quite
extraordinary
to me to be where I am today. I have a profession that I love and a
beautiful
place to live. I have wonderful people in my life. I occasionally step
back
from the life I've created for myself and think, "Wow! I have found a
place where I am content and happy! This is absolutely amazing!" I take a
great deal of pride in having survived my journey through hell and
coming out
the other side as a confident, capable and strong woman able to give
back to
the community and help others survive, too.
